ways of landing

The only time I ever threw up on a plane.

The plane had just landed through a big storm and heavy turbulence. I had made it through the six-hour flight, but when we landed and were just sitting on the tarmac, stationary, I erupted with vomit.

At 9 years old I knew that that wasn’t the right thing to do when a plane lands.

I would make this trip a few times a year to visit my sister who lived across the country. We used to live closer, both of us were still in Florida, still in different houses. But visiting her was difficult even when I didn’t have to get on a plane. So the long plane ride just extended that anticipatory anxiety. I was mostly anxious because I felt like a stranger in their house. I could feel their displeasure when I was there and it made me sick to my stomach.

I had been thinking about this for the 25-hundred-mile trip from California to Vermont. I was claustrophobic and frightened that I might do something wrong before I even stepped off the plane. And then I did... and I spewed everywhere.

It was quite embarrassing. And it was disgusting. The paper bag they provide on planes is too small.

I just remember feeling sorry for the people around me. Everybody wanted to get off the plane. Nobody wanted to see what I was in the process of digesting. Hell, I didn’t want to see my mushed-up food that’s passed through my organs.

Digestion is private. But it also gives energy. When I vomited on the plane, it held a positivity that can’t be described on paper. It’s a sensation. Release, recognize, decide, and let go. My anxiety which was once a storm in my intestines settled onto the airplane seat in front of me.

It was embarrassing at the moment, but I am aiming to find gratitude for this memory. Not out of necessity. But out of a need to minimize shame in general and let some of that suffering free. Instead, I must learn and solve. Embarrassment creates a life. Lessons learned minimize the storm.

And I never threw up again.

Just kidding, I did. And that’s okay.